I want to have my cake and eat it

Just had a nice suprise visit from amy. He was nice enough to bring over a cup of sinfully sweet caramel coffee and crunchie cones. I love it when he makes late night suprise visits, especially so when food is involved. It ends my day with a bang and I go to sleep feeling loved.

Too bad today wasn't one of those days. Yes, he came. Yes, I had food. But it was a serious and dull visit. There wasn't any bursts of laughter or love, it was just a dull and an uncomfortable visit. The conversation was superficial, laughter was forced, and the goodbye was a bitter.

I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I pray that someday I'll have the clarity of thought and the ability not to hurt the people I love. Because right now, I really do not know what I want. Or rather, I want everything. I want to have my cake and eat it.

How can I claim to love someone and not be able to make sacrifices? How can I be so selfish and not see that I'm hurting him? Maybe I just don't know how to love at all. I know love needs committment. And i'm seriously lacking in that department.

But I'm learning. I'm learning to love myself less and others more. I'm learning how to get vicarious pleasure. I just hope I'm learning fast enough, before it's too late.