i love this blog for all the comfort it gives me. It's 12.01am right now and I doubt I'll be falling asleep anytime soon. Today was punctuated with listless sleeps and randomness. I found myself waking up at 9.10pm with less energy than before my nap. I sat down at my desk, scribbled some half-hearted explanation on why average variable cost may not necessarily increase before my legs carried me off to the kitchen to scrounge around for some dinner. I really don't bother buying anything nowadays because I don't have my own fridge, so i was lucky to find my expired frankfurters tucked away at the back of the common fridge. I looked at the calorie content and was surprsised to find that one frankfurter was 99kcal. I was hoping it would be less. I told myself beggars can't be choosers so I heated them up in the microwave. I brought them back to my room and ate them while staring at my notes. At that moment, it seemed as though my notes had a life of it's own. It was speaking to me in a language I couldn't understand. That, coupled with the M.S.G in the sausages made me sick.

I started to wonder, where all my drive has gone? Have I exhausted all my motivation and energy on my A's and O'levels? If i fizzle out now and decide not to study anymore, would i be able to get to 2nd year with the knowledge that's swimming somewhere in my head? If it is, would i really want to progress on to second year knowing that I'll be faced with exactly the same stress come exam time? Right now, the only thing that's driving me is the 11,000 pounds a year my parents are paying to put me through university. But somehow, that is no longer enough to keep me going. I'm sorry dad and mom.

I looked out my window just now and all I could see were empty buses and taxis sweeping the road for customers. I wonder who will be out right now. Business men on their way back to their posh empty apartments? drunken men going home to their screaming wives? teenagers drunk with rage because their moms just told them they were a mistake? or maybe there are happy people out on the streets of london right now, but I just choose to paint a dull picture in my head.

I think i'm in this state right now because I just watched fifteen. Fifteen is a goddamn depressing movie. I feel like killing myself after watching it. I've got nothing to say about it because I feel too stupid and ineloquent to give a movie review. Besides, I doubt i understood it anyway.

By now i'm sure you've realised that my mind is in a haze. nothing makes sense and everything seems to call out to me. I feel like i could go on typing forever, stringing clumsy words together to form sentences I'm not even sure I mean.

i don't know how to end this post.

goodnight world.